Thursday, October 21, 2010


VAMPIRES SUCKAugust 18, 2010 (worst birthday present imaginable)
82 min (82 minutes too long)
Written and Directed by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (now America's Most Wanted)

This might be one small step for Friedberg, Seltzer and the other deceived denizens of their cast and crew, but in my eyes it is one giant leap in the degeneration of comedic cinema.


I exalt and endorse constructive criticism. Some people write "reviews" that look something like this: "This movie sucks. If you like it, you are so gay." Such an opinion really does nothing for the reader/hearer short of adding vindication to explain the writer/speaker's denseness. To epitomize, constructive criticism (yet another topic I plan to address in a someday-written-article; I want to call this one "Everyone's a Critic") keenly identifies the elements that worked in a film and explains why. Furthermore, when handled carefully, the critic can analyze what did not work in a film, explain why, and when appropriate, pitch a cure. A law in constructive criticism demands the reviewer to not judge a film for what it isn't, but only for what it is.

With all that said, this time around I am throwing constructive criticism out the window (the window, the second story window!). Why? The writer/directors Adam Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer simply do not deserve it. You've heard the supportable axiom: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" Perhaps that overshadows the more obvious rule that if it is broke, you oughta fix it! These two have been attempting to build a neighborhood with rusty tools and damaged materials... All the houses on the block are broken! They are making movies, (movies that are all spoofs of other movies) feigning to be a sub-genre of comedy, that are not comedic.

I am a huge "Weird Al" Yankovic fan, he is mostly famous for his parodies of pop songs. I think he is a madly creative genius and consistently funny. Also, he frequently makes his own unparodied comedic songs. Mel Brooks managed to spoof "Star Wars" and then some with "Spaceballs," but it was frequently inventive and often hilarious. His "Blazing Saddles" took on the entire Western genre and was clever enough that it worked. ALL Friedberg-Seltzer can manage to do is take a film or genre and redo select scenes with added scatological humor and/or replacement gags (i.e. In "Twilight" this town was called Forks, in "Vampires Suck" it is called Sporks). Yankovic and Brooks have adopted similar techniques, the only difference being their outcomes are artfully mirthful. Spoofing is, in essence, making fun of something. It is, in essence, varying degrees of mean-spiritedness. The only thing to save this difficult base is to counter with a positive emotion. With burlesque this is more often than not laughter. When such results are nowhere in sight, the performer comes off being a jerk. And that, ladies and gentlefellows, is why Friedberg and Seltzer simply do not deserve constructive criticism. Besides, it is a bit of a blast to occasionally run on a rant. Shall I begin?
"Witlessly broad and utterly devoid of laughs, 'Vampires Suck' represents a slight step forward for the Friedberg-Seltzer team." -The Rotten Tomatoes consensus
A "slight step forward"? Oh my America! If this unripe tripe is an improvement, then these guys should have stopped making films before now. Most previously the dreadful Friedberg-Seltzer duo released (in this case analogous with "gas emitted from the anus," my dear dictionary's definition of "fart" - okay, sorry, I'm beginning to sink to their level of "amusement" - consider this a radical form of proxy informing - as if you you saw this movie too) "Disaster Movie," "Meet the Spartans," and "Epic Movie." The three of these each reaching a rank of 2% on Rotten Tomatoes. Ah, I see what you did there RT crew! 7% > 2% and so = "a slight step forward." Makes sense. But really, if this movie is a slight step anywhere, it's backwards (I haven't seen those three films and dread to, but "Vampires Suck" can NOT be an improvement. Can not I say!). I think of the infamous diagram of human evolution. I imagine the upright man waddling backwards from whence he came. Or if it must be a step forward it must be referring to this rendition. Yes, I am suggesting a devolution in the human race. Only an undertaking as vile and as abysmal as this movie could make me question the true origin of a man for a second and consider the seemingly only possibility. "Vampires Suck" is, in every sense of the word, godawful.

This movie makes the actual "Twilight" (which I approve as a personal guilty pleasure) seem like a masterpiece in comparison. It's sole purpose (to make a mockery of and molest the "Twilight Saga") falls flat on its despicable face and fervently fails due to countless inane attempts at what humans call humor. At one particularly dreadful point in the movie my date pointed out that the filmmakers weren't even capable of recreating the impressive cinematography during the montage sequence found early on in "New Moon." The very scene they poorly parodied contains more artistic merit than anything found in their work.
When the best parts of your film (and boy oh boy are they few and far between... a one-armed man could easily count them on his fingers) can barely emit a half-hearty chuckle that you soon enough suppress upon realizing how stupid the gag really was, you've got a Frankenstein of a creation that, like an ignited rabid dog, should be shot.
When you're firing on all canons, literally aiming for hundreds of laughs throughout, and virtually none of them hit, it's time to scuttle the craft, sack the crew, and sentence your captain to be hanged. You want some constructive criticism (the term I discussed in opening) folks? STOP MAKING MOVIES.
In all honesty, I'd rather watch "Cannibal Holocaust" again (and in slow motion!) than sit through this lowly, unacceptable, obtuse excuse for "entertainment." I may have finally stumbled upon the shipload of stools I can label "the worst movie I've ever seen." And I've seen "Soul Plane."
I apologize on behalf of my girlfriend who took me to this sorry excuse for a movie last Tuesday and surrendered exactly $2.00 at the box office. Luckily, a portion of that will go to theater (right?), but from the look of things, I think the remainder might prove to be a significant portion for the budget of whatever Friedberg-Seltzer choose to defile next. My apologies to humankind as well.
I should admit that there was one person in the theater who was laughing nearly throughout. At this point I do not know her story nor her sorrow, but I will ever remember her laugh (like that one "Seinfeld" episode). If I ever find the secreter of those distinct guffaws I will ask of her, "Please, how can I fix you?"

Earlier this week a respectable critic over at JoBlo posted a top ten list entitled "Movie Jail." I like the concept. It is "a place to put repeat offenders of cinematic trash." I was amused, though not at all surprised, to see who he put in the #1 spot. Said he of
Friedberg-Seltzer, "Nobody on the planet makes worse films than these two... Anybody that has ever supported them, encouraged them, smiled in their general direction, or simply poured them a... coffee should be ashamed of themselves. Movie Jail just made the world a better place."
This statement isn't all that clever (and I highly doubt original - I bet critics around our planet are using it), but I will state it nonetheless: "Vampires Suck" sucks.


Why bother?! Just don't see it!


Josh said...

You would seriously rather see Cannibal Holocaust? Must be terrible

Bryson and Tara said...

First of all, why would you ever see "Cannibal Holocaust"? Yikes, yikes, yikes.

Secondly, I can tell you're passionate about this review. I never intended to see the movie, but now, I make you a firm promise never to see it.

Thanks, bubs.